The Unhipster

gil and brynn and eDiscovery

June 28, 2012
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i should not complain about my job.  after an unsuccessful morning attempt at securing pre-sale Mumford tickets (time for a complaint call with Comcast regarding their bandwidth caps…), i met a friend at the pool for a noon-time swim, which was more of a float-around-in-chlorine-in-attempt-to-lighten-hair.  now i am making my grandma’s sun tea, which is actually grandma’s stove tea since the sun forgot it was in Colorado and made a bee-line for some other locale.  that doesn’t make any sense.  in addition to that other stuff, i’m watching Bridesmaids and exporting data from a review platform in preparation for an electronic production.  it is a busy day at the office.

some movies just never get old…

Posted in work!

to my beloved AC unit

June 27, 2012
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you. what can i say to you, you little archaic dusty awkward appliance.  i’ve only known you about 12 hours, but i’m guessing we were born the same year…so i knew the minute i saw you we had a special bond.  i don’t care what your sun sign is, we are Year of the Snake (and i’m going to go look up what that means after this.)  before you came into my life window, i felt hopeless, ready to surrender to a slow death brought on by heat-induced schizophrenia.  i felt the very essence of life force escaping my body with every bead of sweat. drip. drip. goodbye. world.  goodbye human cat, we don’t need food where we’re going.

and poof, like a beacon in the night, there you were. you were looking a little worse for wear, but i knew to look beyond the rough exterior.  your true beauty and brilliance blazes from your core, or i guess what most would probably call your compressors and your fan and your partitions and your evaporator coils…whatever, i could go on, you are very complex.

i know our time might be limited.  and in 5 months when the temperature plummets 100 degrees, and you get tucked away in the corner of a storage closet and you feel as forgotten as the season 5 American Idol runner-up*, just remember we had our time in the sun. or more appropriately…blissfully out of the sun.

*correction: after the QC team did some follow-up research, i think i should rephrase this statement to say “Idol winner”. katherine mcphee was season 5 runner-up and she’s now on a prime time TV show. taylor hicks, the winner that year, is the one trying to revive (start?) his career in some off-the-strip vegas venue.

Posted in snapshots

cats with eating disorders

June 22, 2012
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so my half human cat has taken to pawing at my face every morning right around 6am.  i can’t be certain what she is trying to say, but if i were to guess it is probably something like: “hey homo sapien. i’ll trade you. a few pre-breakfast morsels in that bowl over there in exchange for another hour of sleep. that or i continue to annoy the sh*t out of you till i break you.”  because i love bartering, i oblige.  but i don’t get another hour of sleep because the hungry human cat eats so fast she throws up her food immediately…and poof, i am up cleaning the kitchen floor instead of falling back into an REM cycle.  cats are so sick.  they also aren’t really aware of the health risks and social stigma associated with buhlemia.  anyway, that’s a typical morning these days.

i have never dabbled in, nor do i ever plan on dabbling in, online dating (never say never unless you really mean it, like right now!)  but if i did, you better believe that would be the “about me” paragraph, right before  salary range and “social drinker” (what? everyone knows the jargon on those things).  it would be an incredible social experiment to see who shows up in my compatibility ratings.

Posted in hmmm...

in through the outdoor

June 22, 2012
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(*post title is a led zeppelin reference and has absolutely zero to do with this blurb, but there is no other title deserving and sometimes a phrase or word just pops into your head.  like “digeridoo” or “sacajawea”).

here’s some proof that no matter what emotion is currently occupying your body, someone somewhere is experiencing it more intensely.  or wait, it might be proof that they’re smarter than you and know how to capture it in words, add some chords, and capitalize on it.  (i’m not sure if The Lumineers are aware that i am the self-appointed co-chair of their “street team” but it would be nice if they threw me a few perks.)

And it’s a shame that it ends this way
With nothing left to say
So just sit on your hands, while I walk aw-ay
It’s a shame, it’s a shame, it’s a shame
When my hands begin to shake
When bitterness is all I taste
And my car won’t stop
Cause I cut the brakes
I hold on to a hope in my fate

Oh oh ah ah hey hey
May you return to love one day
Well I hope and I pray
You get what you gave
Oh oh ah ah hey hey

it’s a little dark out tonight (despite the solstice)

June 21, 2012
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regret comes in many forms.  sometimes it’s a wine glass on your nightstand, with a corresponding emptied wine bottle somewhere in close proximity. but sometimes it takes more than a tylenol, a McDonald’s hashbrown, and a large coca cola to remedy the feeling.  hindsight isn’t 20/20, it’s a little roadtrip to hell, in a windowless ford focus with no AC and a radio station that only plays john mayer, heading southwest toward the realization that you have been making all the wrong decisions.  and once you get there, you step out into the ruins and breathe a sigh of relief, because you have arrived (at last!), bearing witness to the royal mess that you single-handedly created.  welcome to town of regret, population: 1.

yes the unfortunate part is there is no undoing.  you can’t go back and cork the bottle at a reasonable hour, and you can’t go back and replace your stubborness with thoughtful actions derived from positive realizations. someone forgot the reverse option on the transmission of the crappy ford focus.

as with every episode of “Full House” i suppose there is some sort of cliche lesson to be learned here.  and maybe this one is as simple as: get out of the claustrophobic vehicle, gingerly step across the ruins while trying to avoid burns that turn to scars, bid your farewell to the town you never intended on visiting, put The Lumineers cd in your disk man (oh wait, we can’t go back in time) and start walking toward a more desirable state of mind.  don’t take any pictures, but make a mental note to never revisit.

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vitamin D, you’ve let me down

June 20, 2012
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i went to the dermatologist today.  here are some facts:  i am fair skinned and live a mile above sea level in a place that gets 300 days of sun per year.  my youth was spent swimming outdoors, a time before acronyms took over our language so no one really paid attention to SPF (wtf).  and why wouldn’t we lather up with baby oil and float around on metallic silver rafts in the lake all summer??  i vaguely remember family trips to florida spent in ice-cold baking soda baths to treat the 3rd degree burns. bush gardens was so much more fun at high noon.

so naturally, the look i get from the dermatologist is the same disapproving look that one might get from jillian micheals when walking into a donut shop (hey, what’s she doing there??!!).  the only discernable emotion that surrounds that visit is fear.  it’s not as though i’ve been cutting “how-to-get-mediterranean-skin” class,  so cool it with the judgements, dr.

anyway…after 5 forehead welts (think Woogie pining after Cameron Diaz…) from liquid nitrogen removal of precancerous spots and a $200 chemo cream, i have a legitimate fear of ever stepping outside again, and i will be looking to immediately relocate to seattle or some other place that can guarantee me year-round seasonal affective disorder.  i plan to depart at midnight.

Posted in hmmm...

pack it up, pack it in

June 19, 2012
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let me begin by saying that a redwell papercut is no small thing.  if you don’t know what a redwell is, well then i applaud you for going in the right career direction.  i have spent the last week and a half boxing up the office for the move down to our new office space, the windowless file room.  correction: i have spent the last week and a half conveniently taking full advantage of the “relocation” billing code…and the last 5 hours frantically boxing things before the demolition crew sweeps through.

since the windowless file room is not quite ready for us, everything is temporarily going to a storage closet on another floor, and i will be forced to work from home.  or as i like to call it, lap swim at the outdoor pool.

back to the papercut.  a redwell is thick, mother loving thick.  like sharp cardboard.  i shouldn’t even have been handling these redwells, but since we are supposed to be a technology company (something my predecessor was not aware of, apparently) i decided all paper files must go.

Posted in work!

gangsters in hondas

June 14, 2012
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i’m pretty sure i saw wiz khalifa on my way to work in downtown denver today.  the hip hop star was getting out of his honda (accord?), putting money in a meter (??). no, i’ve never seen him in person, but i’ve watched the “young, wild, and free” music video a lot.  and…dun dun…the license plate said: wiz.  i think this investigation is over!

it does beg the question: why on earth would he be driving a modest, affordable sedan?  it looked like maybe a 2001 or 2002, but to be honest i haven’t really been following Honda’s model style trends as of late.  i quit doing that back in ’95.  anyway, far be it from me to question his choice to drive a reliable, gas-efficient vehicle.  plus, it probably wasn’t even him.  toot toot!

Posted in hmmm...