The Unhipster

herbs for the end

August 19, 2014
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theend

yes, i admit i have picked up some Kick-Ass-Immunity herbal supplement drops while waiting at a Whole Foods checkout line. no, they did not work.  neither did Cramp Relief! (at least not as well as 3 Advil and a Twix bar).  if i’m putting droplets of a bad whiskey-tasting substance on my tongue, it better be actual whiskey.  the folks over at Wish Garden Herb Remedies may be marketing geniuses for bottling up some Yerba Manza root, Valarian root, Black Cohosh root, or any other root they can dig up, and calling it a cure for everything.  but if you ask me they’re just bat shit crazy.  Mo’Beta Belly, Sexy Time, Emotional Ally, Genius Juice, Welcome Womb (“quiets the uterus”) … if you’ve got an issue, they’ve got the answer.  can’t get over that bad break-up?  can’t pass your trigonometry quizzes? can’t get that uterus to shut the f*** up?  you haven’t been taking your Wild Yam root.

but oh! listed in “Other Ingredients” for every one of their products is: Rocky Mountain artesian spring water. i wonder how they got their hands on such a valuable substance.  magic in a bottle.  and a wink wink to the shareholders.

so today i saw a new remedy: “Get OVER it!  herbs for the end.”  the cryptic labeling had me very worried.  is there some sort of apocolyptic event on the horizon that i’m not privy to, and yet the Wish Garden Herb Remedies think tank has already tested and approved the perfect potion to prepare for it?  $17.99 is pretty steep for two fluid ounces of anything, but being part of the winning team on judgement day is priceless.

i have since learned, through some investigative web browsing, that the “end” they’re referring to is the end of a virus. boring.  these are drops you can take when your “cold has got a hold” – because oddly enough that Kick-Ass-Immunity you took at the first signs of the sniffles did absolutely nothing.  i’m hoping they will soon concoct an elixir for Buyers Remorse because i’m starting to feel some symptoms.


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