The Unhipster

a typical day in the office – part 2

September 24, 2014
Leave a Comment

let me preface this short story by reminding you i work in an old converted file room, disguised as an office, hidden somewhere on the 10th floor of a large downtown building. think tornado shelter.  or some other small space you share with others for emergency purposes only.

my coworker makes a phone call. i’m thinking “it’s too early for the daily 4 o’clock call to her parents to see if they’re watching Gunsmoke, it’s only 3.”

i hear her politely whisper “yes, hi, i’m looking for a book called ‘how to sleep your way to the top’ by jane miller?” ummmmm…!!!  (psst…cell phones and alleyways are amazing inventions for private phonecalls.)  she then calls three more booksellers inquiring about the availability of the book, hanging up on one before she can even get the words out due to uncontrollable silent laughter. i finally hear her say to someone “great, could you hold it for me cause i would like to pick it up first thing tomorrow morning.” so i guess it was not a joke.

this is hours after our ceo informs us the company is being sold in a month. let the rat race begin!

i can’t make this shit up.  all i can do is let it happen, spit up my diet mountain dew which i purchased from the “honor code refrigerator,” and write about it here.


Posted in oh no!, work!

we sell tomatoes and things…

September 19, 2014
Leave a Comment


i recently went for a lovely country road jog in midcoast Maine, where i saw this sign advertising the sale of tomatoes and god only knows what else.  i’m no rhodes scholar, but i’m fairly certain there are rules around the use of “etc,” the main one being: you should not use it after listing one lonely item. we sell tomatoes and…some other things, and we’re going to assume you know what those “other things” are. peppers? fresh live bait? explosive pyrotechnic devices? this is Maine after all and downeast folks don’t fuck around.

i have no idea what else these creeps sell besides tomatoes, but i was tempted to follow the arrow simply because their marketing tactics were brilliant and my curiosity had entered the level of “dangerously and irrationally high.” which is the level just below the one where your curiosity caves and you go to find out what the mystery vendor sells besides tomatoes, only to realize that something is you, and you’re now the property of pirates off the north Atlantic coast. so i continued jogging home.


Posted in snapshots