The Unhipster

5 tinder no-nos | November 26, 2014

“it’s going down, i’m yelling tinnnndderrr…”

holy crap, how lazy and antisocial have we become?? we gave the concept of actual legitimacy and this is the way people are now dating.  we’ve invented a type of speed dating that doesn’t even require verbal communication! i can’t get over it. i also can’t get enough of it, it’s too entertaining.

yesterday i came across an overweight man with a tight bob who was dressed in womens’ underwear. oddly enough his name was also “bob.” it was a bathroom selfie (naturally). he was 4 miles away and we had a “shared interest” in Chase Freedom Visa. so much for ever going back to my local ATM. i’m now going to have to use that app where you deposit checks by simply snapping a photo. it seems so dangerous. but so does bob’s bob.

outside of the entertainment-worthy ones, most profiles just make my eyes roll.  the run-of-the-mill d-bag whose online existence is just a waste of bandwidth. i’ve noticed trends and the following 5 are some of the worst. they’re littered all over tinder. i see these, i roll my eyes. and friends, my eyes are sick of doing gymnastics.

1) the gym selfie.  all this tells me is:  1) you think you’re hot…2) you don’t have any friends who could just take a picture of you…and 3) you spend time in gyms.  none of these things are attractive qualities.

2) the fake mustache. maybe you drew it on your finger, maybe it’s on the side of a mug that you’re drinking out of. i still do not understand this obsession with fake mustaches. when did upper lip facial hair become a mainstream joke? wait wait, i actually remember. i think it was 2007.

3) the tribal arm band tattoo. i know, you were young, and they’re really hard to remove.

4) the cliche quote.  i had a big journal filled with inspirational quotes in the 7th grade. i read them daily and felt significant. that was many, many moons ago. but i’m all grown up now and i have thoughts of my own. putting a quote on tinder does not make you deep, it makes you unoriginal. and possibly stunted.

5) the bathroom selfie. for some reason these are worse than gym selfies. probably because you’re half naked.



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