The Unhipster

herbs for the end

August 19, 2014
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theend

yes, i admit i have picked up some Kick-Ass-Immunity herbal supplement drops while waiting at a Whole Foods checkout line. no, they did not work.  neither did Cramp Relief! (at least not as well as 3 Advil and a Twix bar).  if i’m putting droplets of a bad whiskey-tasting substance on my tongue, it better be actual whiskey.  the folks over at Wish Garden Herb Remedies may be marketing geniuses for bottling up some Yerba Manza root, Valarian root, Black Cohosh root, or any other root they can dig up, and calling it a cure for everything.  but if you ask me they’re just bat shit crazy.  Mo’Beta Belly, Sexy Time, Emotional Ally, Genius Juice, Welcome Womb (“quiets the uterus”) … if you’ve got an issue, they’ve got the answer.  can’t get over that bad break-up?  can’t pass your trigonometry quizzes? can’t get that uterus to shut the f*** up?  you haven’t been taking your Wild Yam root.

but oh! listed in “Other Ingredients” for every one of their products is: Rocky Mountain artesian spring water. i wonder how they got their hands on such a valuable substance.  magic in a bottle.  and a wink wink to the shareholders.

so today i saw a new remedy: “Get OVER it!  herbs for the end.”  the cryptic labeling had me very worried.  is there some sort of apocolyptic event on the horizon that i’m not privy to, and yet the Wish Garden Herb Remedies think tank has already tested and approved the perfect potion to prepare for it?  $17.99 is pretty steep for two fluid ounces of anything, but being part of the winning team on judgement day is priceless.

i have since learned, through some investigative web browsing, that the “end” they’re referring to is the end of a virus. boring.  these are drops you can take when your “cold has got a hold” – because oddly enough that Kick-Ass-Immunity you took at the first signs of the sniffles did absolutely nothing.  i’m hoping they will soon concoct an elixir for Buyers Remorse because i’m starting to feel some symptoms.


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waiting for the phrase apocalypse

August 26, 2013
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i think we can all agree that certain overused words and phrases need to fizzle into the ether, so that civilizations thousands of years from now won’t ever need to know how awful and awfully monotonous 21st century conversational language sounded.  we haven’t carved on stones in awhile, so we’re safe there.  hopefully the internet will just power down one day, taking with it all of these expressions:

“i heart [something]”. heart is just not a verb. it will always and only ever be a noun.

“oh snap!” . saying this ironically does not make it any less annoying.

“fail.” or worse, “epic fail”. ubiquitous phrases will be the demise of the human race.

“awesome sauce”. i’m getting annoyed just writing these.  it would be ok if you are trying chalula for the first time ever and you take one bite of your carnitas buritto and scream “holy nuts, this is awesome sauce!!!”

following up a suggestion or question with “GO!” if this doesn’t bother you, well, lucky you. because it’s bothersome. this should definitely move to the top of the list.

“totes”. (acceptable when referring to a monogrammed canvas bag from L.L.Bean.) definitely the worst in the category of abbreviated words.

there you have it. hearing or reading any of the above is like stepping on kitty litter with wet feet. i think you know what i mean.

 


Posted in hmmm..., oh no!

a good day for financial advising

August 16, 2013
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so i had a lunch meeting with my new financial advisor today at the capital grille, a fancy steakhouse in Denver that i of course had never been to.  the only downtown lunching i ever do is at baja fresh, but that’s only when payday has happened within the week.  anyway, i considered driving my crusty old sedan with no air-conditioning and a crushed right front side (the only reason my bumper is attached to the car is because of a fancy string arrangement. string is what holds my car together). i saw the irony in valeting a vehicle worth the price of lunch and i made the better decision of hoofing it over from my office.

hi! i have $20 in my Chase savings account, can you manage my retirement, please?! also, my cat needs $1,000 in dental work, but i need that money for rent. i am definitely interested in where the NASDAQ is headed this quarter…

i enjoyed a nice meal, chatted about things i don’t understand, and got a ride back to my office in his porsche cheyenne. i’m happy to report that because of a bullying mother i did start contributing to a 401K in my early 20s, and after examining my current “porfolio” it appears as though i will be able to retire at the age of never.  which is really good news because my job is extremely flexible, allowing me to work remotely, and i’m guessing (fingers crossed!) they’ve got wifi in hospice.

 


Posted in hmmm..., oh no!, work!

all yokes aside

July 2, 2013
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i was driving with my friend, sara, the other day and she pointed out this billboard.  yes yes, it is definitely the yoke that makes the egg McMuffin unhealthy.  all that egg yoke fat and cholesterol, and only half the protein of what’s in the white part.  thank god for the egg white delight option.  one less cardio workout i need to do.

billboard


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1977 Scout II

December 4, 2012
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Craigslist never ceases to amuse.  today i went perusing for a new car or truck.  a particular  “holiday sale” listing for a 1977 Scout II (see below) piqued my interest because practicality has always run rampant through my being.  anyway, this brilliant Craiglister was offering a “Holiday sale till christmas night” which I guess means the price goes up on Dec. 26th after it’s been sitting on the site for 30 days at the “discounted” price.  this is definitely how Craigslist works.

so i read on and noticed that the seller would like a cash transaction but is also open to “trades for firearms or tig/mig welding equipment”and just like that, my dream of driving home a cute orange Scout II as old as me (before Christmas night) comes to a screeching halt.


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#seriouslywhatdoesthisdo

December 4, 2012
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i still don’t know what a hash tag is.  after all these years.  after seeing that little pound sign littered across social networking sites, i still don’t quite know what it’s for.  i even had to ask Mother Google the other day, but she didn’t even give me a straight answer.  or maybe i just didn’t want to know?  i mean, i always thought they related to topics you could follow on twitter, but that’s as far as i got with grasping the whole concept.  and now it seems they are everywhere.  everywhere making no sense at all.  where does the little information go? and what is the point?  and who said you could just make them up?  let’s say i take a picture and post it on Facebook.  let’s say i comment with #ittybittytittycommittee.  what becomes of this?  i would love to know.  and yet, maybe i prefer to dwell in my ignorance.  keeping up with the latest trends in cyberspace should be reserved for those who can still bounce back from 1 am jager shots.

#rememberingfriendsterfondly

#simplertimes

#ilovenothavingtohitthespacebarwiththisnewlanguagewevecreated

 


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vintage apartment available

November 21, 2012
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while perusing Craigslist for rental properties i curiously clicked on a listing that read “Vintage 1BR Apartment.”  perhaps my copy of Webster’s is way out of date, but when did the definition of “vintage” become “piece of shit rat hole you couldn’t pay me to live in”??  If this is a joke to lure and laugh at vintage-loving urbanites, well…huh, nice work i suppose.  but something tells me “Jessica” from Pinnacle Real Estate Management is not that cunning.  the fact that one of the six “rental features” advertised is a freezer really just says it all (note: there is no mention of a refrigerator).  that’s like a hotel advertising they have beds.  its an assumption i’m pretty sure we can all make.

here is a picture of the beautiful “vintage” exterior.

nothing says”vintage” like generic grey carpets and small single-pane windows. 

but MOST impressive is this “vintage” toilet. irresistable.


Posted in hmmm..., snapshots

no more post-its

October 4, 2012
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so i have embarked on a bit of a personal sebbatical, but the original plan of going to midcoast Maine to work and relax in peaceful solitude backfired when i found myself carless.  so i am “crashing” at my mother’s condo in NH.  anyway, the days (when i am home alone working) are nice and the nights generally require a wine/xanax cockail, especially Mondays and Tuesdays when Dancing With The Stars is on.

anyway, i think my mother uses more post-its than most corporate offices.  little notes all over the house, with phone numbers, websites, names, LL Bean order numbers.  just looking around at all the little notes drives me insane.  i told her “no more post-its! that’s not the way to get organized. compile your important information in one notebook, or better yet, somewhere on the computer.”

last night she came home from rite aide with this: a pack of index cards.  me: “what is this!?”  mom: “i’m going to get organized, you said no more post-its!”  the concept was completely lost on her.


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take off those croakies

July 25, 2012
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here is one observation from this past weekend: there is an exorbitant amount of croakies in boulder, Co.  unless you are cranking some epic edge (that is rock climbing lingo) or setting sail on a catamaran from martha’s vineyard, or i suppose if you don’t have ears to hold the sunglasses in place, i don’t believe you should be wearing these things.  yet i’m pretty sure i saw 2 out of every 3 people in boulder wearing them.  and i was not standing in line to scale the flat irons.  i was engaging in normal sunday human activity, drinking at brunch.

here is a man making good use of his croakies, in an appropriate setting


Posted in hmmm..., snapshots

cats with eating disorders

June 22, 2012
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so my half human cat has taken to pawing at my face every morning right around 6am.  i can’t be certain what she is trying to say, but if i were to guess it is probably something like: “hey homo sapien. i’ll trade you. a few pre-breakfast morsels in that bowl over there in exchange for another hour of sleep. that or i continue to annoy the sh*t out of you till i break you.”  because i love bartering, i oblige.  but i don’t get another hour of sleep because the hungry human cat eats so fast she throws up her food immediately…and poof, i am up cleaning the kitchen floor instead of falling back into an REM cycle.  cats are so sick.  they also aren’t really aware of the health risks and social stigma associated with buhlemia.  anyway, that’s a typical morning these days.

i have never dabbled in, nor do i ever plan on dabbling in, online dating (never say never unless you really mean it, like right now!)  but if i did, you better believe that would be the “about me” paragraph, right before  salary range and “social drinker” (what? everyone knows the jargon on those things).  it would be an incredible social experiment to see who shows up in my compatibility ratings.


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