The Unhipster

the perks of flexible employment

October 23, 2014
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working from home comes with a multitude of special benefits.  one of which is the ability to go on a mid-day Target binge between conference calls. i did that today. oh i tested the limits of what that little REDcard can handle (i know exactly how much it can handle because it comes directly from my checking account, which is now depleted. though i did save 5%). i needed kitty litter bags, but i did not walk out with just kitty litter bags.

if you’re feeling a bit disconnected lately (mercury is still in retrograde, and will continue to linger there until the 25th…plenty of time to get to Target) follow the big red dot and share in the joys of over-consumption with fellow members of society, who, for whatever reason, are also pillaging the aisles of a big box store on a wednesday afternoon.  you look around and ask yourself, “who are these people?” “do they not have jobs?” “what happens here?” and then you smile at the sweet realization that they’re just like you!! (unless they’re rich housewives who need an activity between morning yoga and afternoon pumpkin spice lattes. in which case you’re just one sugar daddy-or-mamma shy of where they are) and voila, that feeling of interconnectedness has magically returned.

now that you’ve sucessfully reached level 3 on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs pyramid (“love and belonging,” for all those who slept through psych 101) you can go back to shopping. an armfull of clothes that will not survive more than 3 wash cycles? yes, they cost less than detergent. a new cat scratcher, simply because you walked by it? i mean why not. a bottle of Meyer’s multi-surface basil scented cleaning spray even though you have ample supplies at home? it just smells so good. tic-tacs and an orange mango vitamin water energy drink? it’s too easy, you don’t even have to search for it because it’s right there.  and guess what else is right there that you weren’t looking for? a $5 DVD of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  whoa. you don’t have a DVD player at home, but it doesn’t even matter, the answer is still a resounding YES. why? because you have a sudden flashback to the sweet coming-of-age book / film and remember the wisdom-filled words uttered by the young and troubled Charlie…”We accept the love we think we deserve.” and for whatever reason those words resonate today and they hit you like a cinder block (which you can pick up next door at Ace because they’re on display, they’re cheap, and you can use them for something) and you slip your maxed-out REDcard back into your wallet and walk away knowing that this Target check-out aisle was the only place you were ever supposed to be at this moment in time. and the gratitude comes rushing in.

and then you bee-line it home to dial in for your next work call..



Posted in work!

a typical day in the office – part 2

September 24, 2014
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let me preface this short story by reminding you i work in an old converted file room, disguised as an office, hidden somewhere on the 10th floor of a large downtown building. think tornado shelter.  or some other small space you share with others for emergency purposes only.

my coworker makes a phone call. i’m thinking “it’s too early for the daily 4 o’clock call to her parents to see if they’re watching Gunsmoke, it’s only 3.”

i hear her politely whisper “yes, hi, i’m looking for a book called ‘how to sleep your way to the top’ by jane miller?” ummmmm…!!!  (psst…cell phones and alleyways are amazing inventions for private phonecalls.)  she then calls three more booksellers inquiring about the availability of the book, hanging up on one before she can even get the words out due to uncontrollable silent laughter. i finally hear her say to someone “great, could you hold it for me cause i would like to pick it up first thing tomorrow morning.” so i guess it was not a joke.

this is hours after our ceo informs us the company is being sold in a month. let the rat race begin!

i can’t make this shit up.  all i can do is let it happen, spit up my diet mountain dew which i purchased from the “honor code refrigerator,” and write about it here.


Posted in oh no!, work!

Senior citizenship and baby food

August 19, 2013
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today i got a new membership form in the mail, the kind that welcomes you into old age.  what?! why does someone out there assume i’m 50? is it because i wear house slippers and feed my cats deli turkey?  this is just cruel and unusual.  hitting a new age bracket (and a premium increase) for health insurance on my last birthday was a real treat, but this is golden.  suddenly the mail surprise i received last week doesn’t seem so bad: i recevied a box from Gerber containing two cans of baby formula. addressed to me at my address. no baby at my address.  no baby en route to my address.

my mailman now thinks i’m a retired middle aged new mom.  what’s next?  coupons for 40% of Chinchilla food from PetSmart? i smell the beginning of a Saturday Night Live character breweing somewhere…and i’ll bet 2 months of my new magazine that she looks a lot like an aged Blossom.

granted, i would love to be retired right now at the age of 36, but my new financial advisor can assure you that is not happening. i would even check the little box for the 5 year membership (BEST VALUE), if only just for that “FREE insulated travel bag.”  but thankfully, i still have several years until i’m eligible.  and incidentally, several years before i can enjoy the luxury of temperature controlled travel items.

Posted in oh no!, work!

a good day for financial advising

August 16, 2013
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so i had a lunch meeting with my new financial advisor today at the capital grille, a fancy steakhouse in Denver that i of course had never been to.  the only downtown lunching i ever do is at baja fresh, but that’s only when payday has happened within the week.  anyway, i considered driving my crusty old sedan with no air-conditioning and a crushed right front side (the only reason my bumper is attached to the car is because of a fancy string arrangement. string is what holds my car together). i saw the irony in valeting a vehicle worth the price of lunch and i made the better decision of hoofing it over from my office.

hi! i have $20 in my Chase savings account, can you manage my retirement, please?! also, my cat needs $1,000 in dental work, but i need that money for rent. i am definitely interested in where the NASDAQ is headed this quarter…

i enjoyed a nice meal, chatted about things i don’t understand, and got a ride back to my office in his porsche cheyenne. i’m happy to report that because of a bullying mother i did start contributing to a 401K in my early 20s, and after examining my current “porfolio” it appears as though i will be able to retire at the age of never.  which is really good news because my job is extremely flexible, allowing me to work remotely, and i’m guessing (fingers crossed!) they’ve got wifi in hospice.


Posted in hmmm..., oh no!, work!

a typical day in the office

July 19, 2013
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my “office” is a window-less converted fileroom, shared by all employees.  every day i hear every conversation, every conference call, every sniffle, most mouse clicks.  this can be mildly annoying during those rare moments when i actually need to use my brain to problem solve or compose a confusing email. when that happens i usually just go home, not to work in peace and quiet, but to water the plants or watch breaking bad.

it’s fairly entertaining listening to my coworker call her 85 year old mother on speakerphone everyday to find out what’s for dinner. or just to “check in”.  it usually goes something like this:

ring, ring.

mother: HELLO?

coworker: what are you doing?

mother: nothing

coworker: well are you thinking of doing anything?

mother: i was thinking of turning on the stove…

generally i only pay attention when i feel like it. i can ignore work conversations simply because they’re not interesting enough to listen to.  but today i heard someone leave a voicemail for the vet asking if dixie the dog could be seen tomorrow for an anal extraction.  having to think about what exactly an “anal extraction” even is was not something i wanted to think about as i ate my grilled cheese at my computer desk (but it doesn’t sound pleasant and i don’t envy dixie’s saturday morning).

i tend to take my calls outside of the room, but i seem to be the only one who does.

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don’t put it on your bumper, it goes in the trash

November 13, 2012
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i’m going to start a list of bumper stickers that need to be banned. the list is going to start with this one.  and it’s going to include every other bumper sticker that was ever made.

while we’re at it, i wouldn’t mind getting rid of all the RAV 4s…

Posted in snapshots, work!

gil and brynn and eDiscovery

June 28, 2012
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i should not complain about my job.  after an unsuccessful morning attempt at securing pre-sale Mumford tickets (time for a complaint call with Comcast regarding their bandwidth caps…), i met a friend at the pool for a noon-time swim, which was more of a float-around-in-chlorine-in-attempt-to-lighten-hair.  now i am making my grandma’s sun tea, which is actually grandma’s stove tea since the sun forgot it was in Colorado and made a bee-line for some other locale.  that doesn’t make any sense.  in addition to that other stuff, i’m watching Bridesmaids and exporting data from a review platform in preparation for an electronic production.  it is a busy day at the office.

some movies just never get old…

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pack it up, pack it in

June 19, 2012
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let me begin by saying that a redwell papercut is no small thing.  if you don’t know what a redwell is, well then i applaud you for going in the right career direction.  i have spent the last week and a half boxing up the office for the move down to our new office space, the windowless file room.  correction: i have spent the last week and a half conveniently taking full advantage of the “relocation” billing code…and the last 5 hours frantically boxing things before the demolition crew sweeps through.

since the windowless file room is not quite ready for us, everything is temporarily going to a storage closet on another floor, and i will be forced to work from home.  or as i like to call it, lap swim at the outdoor pool.

back to the papercut.  a redwell is thick, mother loving thick.  like sharp cardboard.  i shouldn’t even have been handling these redwells, but since we are supposed to be a technology company (something my predecessor was not aware of, apparently) i decided all paper files must go.

Posted in work!

intellectual headache

April 6, 2012
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i just finished a 2-day all day training for LAW Prediscovery Electronic Discovery Certification, which is a fancy word for “blistering headache”.  thank god i found this in my medicine closet…

intellectual headache

"tension headache associated with intellectual fatigue"

i plan on washing a couple of those down with a hefty glass of malbec.  oh, how far we’ve come since head on (insert trademark symbol). “head on! apply directly to forehead! head on! apply directly to forehead!” (i love this product.)

Posted in snapshots, video, work!

sugar can expire. apparently.

March 22, 2012
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to break up the afternoon i just hoofed it over to walgreens for some smarties, because i prefer chalky candy that tastes like chemicals over chocolate things. i was not jazzed about walking 2 long city blocks, but the russell’s convenient store in the lobby of my building has a pitiful candy supply (not to mention really stale cheez-its). i found it bizarre that the smarties actually have a “best by” date. it’s novemeber 7, 2014. first of all, it’s a good thing i got a 16 oz (that’s a pound) value bag. second of all, how does sugar go bad? ce de candy, inc. guarantees that “smarties are made from only quality ingredients”…but what exactly happens to these ingredients after nov 6th, 2014? i really can’t wait to find out. maybe the artifical color “yellow 6 lake” has an expiration date??

the back of the smarties bag also informs me that smarties do not contain crustacean shellfish (phew!). eating candy can be so educational.

Posted in work!
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